See, I’m stuck in a City, but I belong in a field
Outside the weather’s cloudy, grey, damp, gloomy, bleak, dreary, dull, lonely and unpromising.
Inside the weather’s not much better.
I walk the concrete sidewalks that lead into the concrete buildings that hold me captive for hours of boredom.
The slate grey sky mixes with the buildings until the horizon is blurred and undistinguishable.
Life is so mundane.
My unchallenging, monotonous, tedious job is uninspiring.
Everyone is leaving this city; this dump; this prison.
I hold onto the single thread of sanity that I have left and every time I find that it’s You.
When I come home to a seemingly empty house full of cobwebs and anorexic tarantulas, I discover You sitting on my couch waiting for me.
I sit next to You and flick on the dull yellow lamp beside me.
I open the book from beside the dusty lamp.
You hold my empty hand and fill my empty heart.
You call me child and I can’t stop a smile from forming around my vacant lips.
I sit there all evening in Your presence until my eyes feel heavy.
I feel Your arms around me and immediate comfort and contentment surrounds my soul.
I sleep until morning.
Outside the weather’s cloudy, grey, damp, gloomy, bleak, dreary, dull, lonely and unpromising.
Inside the weather’s much better.Stacey Sieben, Weather
I used to think I was a city person, but lately I’ve began to think that I only really enjoy watching things happen in a city, not actually participating in the events. I think I’d rather be the person sitting on top of a hill admiring the city lights then actually walking the streets lit by the neon glow. Recently I’ve actually discovered that part of me even fears the city. Not the possible violence or drug abuse that occasionally litters some areas or even the fear that I will get lost in the hustle of people that know where they’re going. What I am actually afraid of is the buildings. When I crane my neck and raise my eyes up to the tops of the high rise buildings, I feel my stomach do cartwheels. I get the sense that maybe out of no where, I will be the only one on earth to ever experience a sudden loss of gravity. I will unexpectedly start floating up, up, and up to the tops of these buildings, desparately trying to grab hold of something to stop my ascent into the grey clouds looming above the towers like damp, mishaped halos.
Something about leaving the city makes me breathe easier. Something about leaving the country makes me think maybe I’ve been holding my breath for a while now. Even though part of me is afraid to go somewhere far away from people I love, and afraid of the things I might encounter there, the other part me is afraid to stay. I am afraid if I stay in this one spot I’ll become concrete; a statue among buildings. I feel like I’ve been driving the same roads for so long that I’m slowly becoming the roads. I am disappearing into the grey.
Whenever I see colour my mind automatically connects it to a corporate logo. I don’t know what forest green looks like; I can only picture Starbucks green. When I think of an apple, I imagine a Mac computer. Sometimes I feel like my life is a slogan. I feel like the corporations around me are becoming more human then I even am. I become robatic. Even if I stopped to smell the roses I might not recognize their scent. I can’t keep up. Window shopping and people watching. All I want is to lie down in a field and look at the clouds passing. To stop, stop, stop feeling like I might lose the battle with gravity; the battle against disappearing into the grey. I can’t get a good hold of the stop signs or the traffic lights but if I just grab hold of the grass; of the wildflowers, I might just stay put. The earth around the roots is solid and the stems entwine around my ankles; I will sway like a willow but mother nature will not allow me to fall upwards into the sky. I can rest assured this is how it was meant to be as I disappear into the green instead of the grey.
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